“No one can advise or help you, no one. There is only one way: go within.”
(Rainer Maria Rilke)
It was December, 2013 when I hit rock bottom.
Not that long ago and I’m still feeling the effects.
I’d just split with my girlfriend of five years in a rather upsetting manner.
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person!
I had no career and had struggled with finding career direction for years.
And I had also been suffering from major depressive disorder for the past decade.
I was 28, living back at home with no career, no love, no motivation and what seemed to be no hope.
Cue the existential crisis.
You’re the Misery Teacher, stupid!
I started to question everything.
‘Who am I?’ I inquired. ‘What is the point in my life?’
I was miserable and anxious – my life was not what I thought it would be at this age.
I also felt (and still feel) completely exhausted at the prospect of starting to rebuild my life.
In many ways, I’m not surprised to be in this position. It felt like it had been coming for years.
I had been living an inauthentic life for a while – I hadn’t accepted the fact that I was introverted and deeply valued my independence and freedom.
Instead, I went for jobs that required team working and sounded impressive to others.
I told people how ambitious I was and would reel off some dribble about how I wanted to achieve ‘x’ and work for ‘y’.
I had an inauthentic value system that placed a huge emphasis on popularity and social performance, whereby others’ opinions of me was of grave importance.
Deep down, however, I had a voice screaming this isn’t you Rich – you can’t kid yourself forever.
It was like I had acquired a personality made up of family and societal expectations and neglected my true self.
Neglected to express and create a life harmonious with my true inner being, character, personality and spirit.
While incredibly uncomfortable and often painful, my current crisis was therefore providing me with an opportunity.
The opportunity to embrace a required transition from living up to other people’s expectations (real or perceived) to having the courage to live a life consistent with the very values I hold dearly.
My crisis was a sign that the beliefs and strategies used previously were no longer useful.
In this manner, I should welcome my crisis as it has provided the opportunity for the true inner self to be counted and served.
Although I’m agnostic, the below quote from The Gospel According to Thomas makes this point beautifully:
‘If you bring forth what is within you, what
you bring forth will save you. If you do
not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you.’
I listened to my inner self by starting to write this blog. To try and create work that is consistent with my values of learning, independence and freedom.
Don’t get me wrong, I am far from creating a life aligned with my inner being and struggle to accept my inner callings but interpreting my crisis in this manner has provided me with insight, meaning and opportunity.
And with opportunity comes hope.
And with hope comes possibilities.
And with possibilities come more possibilities.
It has made me strive to implement changes aligned with living a meaningful and authentic life whatever the suffering and consequences may be.
It has made me determined not to find myself in this position in a few years down the line.
I think we owe it to ourselves to listen to our inner voice at times of life crises – to search within and have the courage to answer the calling of living a more authentic life.
What is your existential crisis telling you? Are you living an authentic life, aligned with your inner being, values, character and personality?
Misery Teacher 